Vulnerable words ahead: I’m currently going through the emotions of a break-up. While I still care about my ex-partner, I know I wasn’t bringing my best self to the relationship.
I want to use this safe space to share some lessons I’ve learnt from this painful experience, to remind you you’re not alone. I also want you to feel seen – in whatever you are going through – whether that’s loss, feeling adrift, relief, heartbreak or something else.
I will get through this. You will get through this.
The lead up: Making space to listen to intuition.
Feeling overwhelmed juggling work, menopausal symptoms, caring for my children (my daughter has autism and ADHD) and more, I began feeling emotionally strung out. As if I was failing in every aspect of life. Not the best space to be in and not conducive to a great relationship.
My morning walks with my dog, Jess, have given me time and space for soul-searching. Menopause and neurodivergence in the family have forced me to reevaluate everything, as I started to feel I didn’t recognise myself and my body. On top of navigating these changes, I’m still healing from past medical traumas.
Initially I did my best and put more effort into the relationship – I showed my affection with little gifts – but it still felt like something was missing.
Day after day, my gut simply wouldn’t let me off the hook. I couldn’t ignore what my inner voice was saying as I walked by the ocean, kept an eye on Jess and watched the sun come up: I wasn’t being present with my partner, and we weren’t bringing out the best in each other. It wasn’t fair on either of us to continue the relationship.
As kind people, we hate hurting others. But I needed to accept I wasn’t being the partner I wanted to be. I knew if I continued being in the relationship, I wouldn’t be happy. I also ran the risk of hurting my partner – who I loved – by staying and not being authentic, rather than breaking up.
Before a break-up: Rehearsing the hard decisions and conversations.
Sometimes, we’re forced to make difficult decisions. I had to remind myself that I can do hard things. I’m capable of making big decisions, even if they feel painful for everyone involved. I had to give myself extra self-compassion and grace – and back myself – to trust I was doing the right thing.
My advice to you if you’re going through a similar experience is: Listen to what your body, heart and mind is telling you. Women often neglect their needs, and putting others first becomes our default. We don’t allow ourselves the breathing space to check in with how we’re feeling – that can lead to resentment and emotional burnout.
If you struggle with self-trust, speak to a therapist or coach, or someone else with your best interests at heart. Someone who is not afraid to tell it how it is (in a constructive and kind way). I know how hard it is, believe me, but I advise against pushing it down or thinking these thoughts and feelings will go away – they won’t. Your body will keep signalling something’s wrong through aches and pains and getting sick more often.
The more you resist, ignore or numb, the more it comes back at you. Imagine it like this: If you dam up a river, it’ll find a way around. The pressure has to be released somehow and I know the last thing you want to do is explode and lash out at your partner. I know you want to have the conversation kindly and respectfully.
During a break-up: Being clear and authentic about how you feel.
I went back to ACT (Acceptance and Compassion Therapy) which is a modality I use with my clients. I used the ACT techniques on myself.
Physically I was doing okay with walks, mindfulness and yoga, but I wasn’t living in integrity, which is important to me. I had to draw a line in the sand and breaking-up was what I needed for my wellbeing, my partner’s and children’s.
Being in limbo and fear of having the conversation was nowhere near as hard as the actual conversation. I rehearsed what I was going to say during my walks.
For me, I remember a sense of relief as my words came from a place of integrity and I acted authentically.
After a break-up: Boost your self-care and find your joy again.
It’s normal to feel a sense of loss after a break-up, regardless of the reasons behind the decision. I knew I had to ramp up my self-care.
I’ve been continuing my morning walks with Jess, and my daughter. I make sure I’m getting enough sleep, making healthy and nourishing food choices (most of the time) and spending time with supportive friends. I’m focusing more energy on building an even stronger relationship with my kids.
Work fills my soul. I love what I do. But I knew after the break-up, I had to find some things in my personal life to bring me joy. Painting became my happy place again and I’ve bought a sewing machine. Pulling back from the busyness of life, and going into hibernation mode, has helped me figure out who I am outside a relationship.
Like many women my age, menopause has been a huge part of the picture for me and is something I want to manage well with acceptance and compassion. Thankfully my hormones are starting to settle down and I eventually want to come off HRT, now known as MHT (hormone replacement therapy/menopausal hormone therapy).
Don’t get me wrong! I'm not advocating for everyone to break up with their partner.
But what I want to reinforce is the importance of taking a step back – checking where you are in life – and acting from a place of integrity.
Here’s some questions you can ask yourself, reflect in your journal, or discuss with someone you trust.
What’s working in your relationship?
What’s not working?
While complete balance and perfection is impossible, can you identify the gap/deficits between where you are and where you want to be?
How big is the deficit?
How long has the deficit been there?
Are there practical things you can do to change those deficits?
Or is this the way it's going to be? Can you make peace with it?
Are you operating from “above the line”? Looking for solutions, taking responsibility, being accountable, etc?
Or are you operating from “below the line”? Seeing yourself as a victim, blaming, denying responsibility, ignoring and staying stuck, etc?
How can you support yourself to move from “below-the-line” to “above-the-line” thinking? Brainstorm the people, activities and resources that can help you.
For victims of family/intimate partner violence (IPV)
Please note these questions (and the advice in this blog) are based on a loving and consensual relationship. If you are the victim of IPV (whether it’s emotional, financial, sexual, physical, mental or spiritual abuse) your partner’s actions are criminal. It’s vital you don’t blame, shame or judge yourself. Please seek specialist, confidential and non-judgmental support to help get you and your children to a safe space.
It would be my privilege to hold space for you.
So often, all we need as humans is for someone else to hold space for us. We can find solutions to our relationship challenges when we are given the opportunity to be vulnerable and real with ourselves.
A massage is a great way to support your body, mind and soul – before, during and after a break-up. We hold tension in our body when we go through big life transitions for example with our relationships, menopause, or supporting and advocating for ourselves and our children.
My mindfulness, health, and resilience coaching comes from a place of empathy and experience. I can help empower you to live in your integrity and bring your best self to your relationships. Including the most important – and enduring – relationship, the one with yourself.
Being trauma informed, I safely adjust my treatments and techniques to gently navigate an approach bespoke to your needs.
I love hearing from you and can’t wait to guide you to a place of wellness, self-compassion and acceptance.
